The hard thing, said in a form that can be heard.
Nonviolent Communication is the sentence-level craft of this work. It is what we use when you know what you need and every version of asking for it has come out as either an apology or an accusation.
Not softer. More accurate, which is usually harder.
Most men I work with have two settings for a difficult conversation. One is saying nothing and carrying it for another six weeks. The other is saying it at volume, at the wrong moment, in a form that guarantees a defense rather than a response. Neither setting gets the need met.
Nonviolent Communication is a third option. You separate what actually happened from the story you built about it, name the feeling without dressing it up as an accusation, identify the need underneath, and make one specific request that the other person is genuinely allowed to decline.
The name is unfortunate: it makes it sound gentle, and men hear gentle as weak. In practice it is the most direct way of speaking I know, because everything the other person could have argued with instead of listening has been taken out.
It is also the tool that makes boundaries possible. A boundary that cannot be spoken calmly tends to arrive as an ultimatum after months of resentment.
Four moves, and the one that men skip.
Almost everyone can do the first and the fourth. The second is where the work is.
- The four parts
The observation, with the verdict removed
What a camera would have recorded. Not 'you never help', which is a case being made, but 'the dishes were in the sink both nights this week.'
- The four parts
The feeling, actually named
Not 'I feel like you do not care', which is a thought wearing a feeling's clothes. Something closer to lonely, or tired, or dismissed.
- The four parts
The need underneath
Rest, partnership, being trusted, being wanted. Needs are universal, which is exactly why naming one rarely gets attacked.
- The four parts
The request, specific and refusable
One clear, doable ask, and genuine room for a no. If a no is not allowed, it was never a request.
We rehearse it, out loud, until it sounds like you.
You bring me the conversation you have been avoiding. Usually with a partner, sometimes with a mother, occasionally with a boss. We write the actual sentence together, then you say it to me and we listen to how it lands.
The first attempt is nearly always still carrying a charge, and I will point at exactly where. Then we take the charge out and keep the content, which is the skill. Then we practice the harder half: what you do when the reply is not the one you rehearsed for, because it usually is not.
I also watch for the version of this that becomes a management technique. If a man is using a beautifully phrased request to avoid ever hearing no, we are back in old territory and I will say so.
In couples sessions the two of you do this to each other directly while I coach in the middle of it. That is uncomfortable for about one session and then it becomes the most useful part of the hour.
A request the other person is not allowed to refuse was never a request.
Usually from men who suspect this will make them sound like a pamphlet.
Frequently Asked Questions
Bring the conversation you keep postponing
A free 15-minute phone consultation. Tell me who it is with and what you have not been able to say, and we can start there.